


happily ever after below the waist

by rosesandspades713



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bulges and Nooks, Crack, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, here i am writing homestuck fic in the year of our lord 2017, lmao i didn't take this seriously and neither should you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-17
Updated: 2017-02-17
Packaged: 2018-09-25 04:26:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9802589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosesandspades713/pseuds/rosesandspades713
Summary: Alternate title: Dave Watches Gay Porn, But Just For the Plot.





	

**Author's Note:**

> well this is certainly a thing that happened
> 
> I reread (and finally finished) Homestuck a few weeks ago and fell in love with DaveKat all over again. Thus, this...thing was born. 
> 
> I got the inspiration for this fic from [this video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mi0QZpM9s3k&index=1&list=LL8LDIxR0ZF681rSs_KTqeJg), and a couple more-or-less direct quotes. Cry is a ridiculous human being and also a lot of my Dave characterization/headcanon stuff comes from him. 
> 
> Fic title is from the song "Bang the Doldrums" by Fall Out Boy.

“So then in the next scene there’s two CIA guys who come up to this construction worker to warn him about this dangerous murderer, but it’s the  _ guy,  _ the one who killed the guy and came to get the money, and then it cuts to all the construction workers dead in a dumpster. Because he killed all of them.”

Dave finishes his story and sits back on the couch with an air of finality, smirking at the look on Karkat’s face.

“...What the fuck was that?!”

“Okay I know I didn’t do it justice, but it’s been a while since I last saw it, okay?” Dave knows this isn’t the problem Karkat has with this particular story, but he’s having too much fun with this. “It’s way better to see it for yourself, I bet I could find it online somewhere if you wanna watch it.”

Karkat looks like he’s about to retch at the thought. “ _ Fuck  _ no. Why would I  _ ever  _ want to watch something like that?”

“They’re hilarious,” Dave says, grinning ear to ear. “Gay pornos without the porn are a fucking  _ art _ , man. A masterpiece of epic proportions. There was this  _ other  _ one, where if you said the Lord’s Prayer backwards in a mirror Satan would show up and give you-”

Karkat clamps a hand over his mouth before he can finish. “Don’t finish that sentence, Strider. I’m warning you.”

He takes his hand off, and Dave is still smiling. “Aw come on, Karkat. They’re just like your rom-coms.” They’re not, of course. 

“No they’re not!” Karkat protests. “Why do you watch that shit?”

“Listen,” Dave says, at this point trying really hard not to laugh, “I’m pretty passionate about a few things in my life and really badly acted gay porn is one of them.” Karkat rolls his eyes and shoves him a little, but Dave stands firm. “Just let me tell you about one more. Come on, dude. Please.”

He’s expecting Karkat to say no (not that it matters, he’s  _ totally  _ telling this story no matter what), so he’s pleasantly surprised when Karkat says, “Okay, fine. One more, and then we’re doing something else.”

“Aw hell yeah,” Dave says. “This is the best one.”

“Somehow that doesn’t reassure me,” Karkat says, eying Dave warily. 

Dave just grins. “Okay. So. This one starts with this bald guy either peeing or jacking off.” Karkat is already shaking his head in disappointment. Dave presses on. “Doesn’t matter. Anyway, this other guy pops up from behind this tree and says ‘oh shit, I’m sorry,’ or something like that. And the bald guy,” here Dave reaches deep down inside himself (not that deep down) and pulls out the most over-the-top southern accent he can muster, “he’s like ‘s’alright, our daddy taught us not to be ashamed of our dicks. ‘specially since they’re such a good size ‘n all.’”

Karkat’s eyes are bugged out when Dave brings out the accent, and Dave himself can barely stop the laughter that’s threatening to bubble up. “It gets better. The one guy says ‘yeah I can see that,’ like whatever, it’s normal to talk about a stranger’s dick. Then bald guy says something like”-back to the accent-”’it gets bigger when I pull on it’”.

Dave is seriously going to bust out laughing now, and it looks like Karkat’s about to have an aneurysm. “And  _ then _ ,” he says, short breaths of laughter starting to interrupt his words, “the bald guy says ‘sometimes I pull so hard I  _ rip the skin _ .’”

Dave barely makes it through the sentence before he’s completely breaking down, his laughter making him shake a little. He looks up to see Karkat smiling down at him.

“You’re a fucking dumbass,” Karkat says before pulling him into a kiss. Dave’s laughter is cut off and he relaxes into the kiss. 

Kissing Karkat Vantas is another one of those things Dave Strider is pretty passionate about. His eyes closed, Dave reaches an arm around Karkat to pull him closer, and he smiles into the kiss, his mouth opening just slightly.

Karkat is pushing back on him now, so his back is pressed into the couch. They’re both breathing heavy in between kisses and Dave can feel himself getting hard. Karkat must feel this too, because he grinds down on Dave’s crotch, both of them letting out low-pitched moans.

Dave’s moan is cut off by a choked gasp when Karkat unzips his jeans and reaches in, pushing down Dave’s underwear and wrapping his hand around his dick. Karkat gives him a lingering kiss, pumping his hand up and down a few times until Dave is fully hard. 

Not willing to be outdone, Dave reaches into Karkat’s pants, finding his bulge already unsheathed. He gives it an experimental stroke, and smirks when it starts to wrap itself around his hand. 

Karkat leans his head forward into Dave’s neck, and Dave lets out a soft sigh as he feels him suck on his skin. It’ll probably leave a mark. 

God, he hopes it’ll leave a mark.

There’s a part of him that wants to stop, slow down, make something more of this. But there’s a stronger part that just really wants to get off. Besides, this isn’t his first rodeo.

But, he thinks in the moments before he climaxes, they probably should have moved off the couch. People  _ sit  _ on this thing, Dave.

He groans as he cums, and his fingers inch forward to brush Karkat’s nook. Just a few seconds of teasing and Karkat cums, too. Dammit, they really should have moved this somewhere else. Now they’re gonna have to clean this shit up.

But Dave pushes that thought away as he looks at Karkat’s stupid (adorable) face. That can all wait for a few minutes.

Karkat rolls off of him so he’s sitting next to him on the couch, his head resting on Dave’s chest. Everything is quiet and calm, a few moments of peace in their hectic lives.

Of course, this means Dave has to ruin that. 

“Hey, Karkat?” he says quietly.

“Mm?”

Dave grins. “Good thing you didn’t rip the skin.”

Dave deserves the smack he receives for that, and he knows it. 

Doesn’t mean he stops smiling.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading this ridiculous piece of literature.
> 
> stay homestuck-y, my friends.


End file.
